Since last time: Nope, life didn't turn into green pastures and lovely skies, it just kept going, as it does.
Fall of 2011: A decent term, nothing great; A failed romance, I was the prey, and a deluded prey at that, she managed to bring me down but I eventually dumped her because I made us both miserable. A decent christmas, an ok new years eve, had one hell of a hangover the following day however.
Winter/spring 2012: A new term, a new hope... As fucking if. It was just another term, Teacher practice, A trip to england, a couple of pretty good courses. Here I am, at the end of the term, still working, still studying, still writing, still painting and still single.
[...]
This afternoon, a friend told me:
"It's a bit creepy that you know that."
And I didn't reply:.....I know, I shouldn't. Did you forget that I am a fucking freak?
7 hours later another friend asks online:
"What are you doing?"
The question gave me pause. I wanted to be honest, as always, but somehow I could not bring myself to write "I'm drinking alone (again), and contemplating why I feel like shit.
I have everything, I'm in a -great- position in life, I have got a stable future ahead of me, I have money, I have friends...Ok, so I don't have a girlfriend, but damnit, my life is great! Still I can't stop myself from sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
It's pathetic.
Yepp. Everything is great. It is just that I feel like an outsider and a truly hopeless case whenever I interact with other people, especially those of my own generation; they tend to misinterpret most of the things I say, and draw entirely faulty conclusions about what I am trying to say. It sucks. I have lost count of the times when I have received a reply to a question or a statement and they are answering an entirely different question or statement.
But.. In the end, it is my responsibility as the sender to communicate in such a way that the receiver understands what I am trying to say.... I just have to figure out how the (fuck) you go about doing that in the IRL social non-professional context(s).
And what I need is to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and get my shit together.
The funny thing is, that I have no idea of what this post actually says to other people. I know what I am trying to say, but experience has taught me that that notion is in no way a good indicator of what people actually think I am saying.
So it goes.
