"Målet är inte avsaknad av ångest, utan att faktiskt må bra."
Det medför att man förmodligen behöver definiera vad det faktiskt innebär att må bra, vilket är svårt då det är så förbaskat subjektivt. Men ja, jag skulle vilja att mitt liv kändes roligt att leva, att varje dag var något jag såg fram mot, något som ständigt alstrar ny energi och expansion - kanske till och med att det fanns någon mening med att gå upp varje dag.
I och med att jag inte direkt är den mest kontaktsökande personen har jag rätt kass koll på huruvida folk faktiskt lever de liv de vill leva, än mindre om dessa liv de lever faktiskt ger dem någon känsla av glädje eller lycka när de lägger sig för att sova om kvällarna. Man kan hoppas.
Igår kväll tänkte jag för mig själv att jag skulle ta mig själv tjugo minuter och verkligen sätta mig ned och tänka igenom hur jag skulle vilja att mitt liv såg ut om det var "fulländat" och perfekt. Jag hann inte mer än sätta mig i skräddarställning i sängen och påbörja min meditation innan katten kom in i sovrummet och klättrade upp i sängen och jamade klagande tills jag gav med mig och gick och gav fanskapet mat. Vid det laget var jag alldeles för normalt förbannad för att ens tänka tanken på att ett bra energigivande liv skulle kunna existera varvid det föll åt sidan och idén begravdes under GTNBL.
När, vad, hur - Jé ne sais pas, men jag skulle uppskatta om liv kunde komma i rörelse igen.
torsdag 30 september 2010
söndag 12 september 2010
Predators
So I just came back from seeing "Predators" at the movies.
Adequately satisfying, I'd say.
It sits firmly in the "decent" part of the scale, the sort of film one pop into the player when you want to be entertained but don't want to think too much about it.
I'm glad that they've finally been able to hammer a good(ish) film out of the otherwise floundering Predators franchise. I got sequel vibes from the ending, so maybe the next movie will actually be good instead of just good-ish?
Hm. One can hope.
[This post may get updated]
Adequately satisfying, I'd say.
It sits firmly in the "decent" part of the scale, the sort of film one pop into the player when you want to be entertained but don't want to think too much about it.
I'm glad that they've finally been able to hammer a good(ish) film out of the otherwise floundering Predators franchise. I got sequel vibes from the ending, so maybe the next movie will actually be good instead of just good-ish?
Hm. One can hope.
[This post may get updated]
torsdag 26 augusti 2010
Something wise?
This have been a weird week.
The days have gone by, and I barely know what I've done to make them pass. I've worked out, I've gone out running. But other than that. I barely know. Done some therapy-writing, played a lot of KOTOR, watched videos online, felt bad about being alone, felt weird about feeling bad about being alone - Funny that.
I've been sort of overwhelmed by how much time each day contains when one does not have to share that time with someone else. Hours and hours drift by because you can't think of something to do with all that time.
Trust me, the irony, of my earlier statements concerning me not having time for anything, is not lost to me. But when I have had all this time, I've just been sort of... Echoing, repeating old patterns that doesn't fit into the new time-space.
My brain haven't been working properly. A strange sensation, to say the least. Monday - Wednesday were hard since I couldn't think straight. Today this eased up somewhat, and I finally started to break out of the old patterns. It was like I woke up from a dream, or a deep sleepwalk. I came to think about, and remember the mental training - both old and new, that I've accumulated over the years, and started to implement it.
It's so easy to forget.
Oh well, change is good. Makes you face your issues and grow stronger.
The days have gone by, and I barely know what I've done to make them pass. I've worked out, I've gone out running. But other than that. I barely know. Done some therapy-writing, played a lot of KOTOR, watched videos online, felt bad about being alone, felt weird about feeling bad about being alone - Funny that.
I've been sort of overwhelmed by how much time each day contains when one does not have to share that time with someone else. Hours and hours drift by because you can't think of something to do with all that time.
Trust me, the irony, of my earlier statements concerning me not having time for anything, is not lost to me. But when I have had all this time, I've just been sort of... Echoing, repeating old patterns that doesn't fit into the new time-space.
My brain haven't been working properly. A strange sensation, to say the least. Monday - Wednesday were hard since I couldn't think straight. Today this eased up somewhat, and I finally started to break out of the old patterns. It was like I woke up from a dream, or a deep sleepwalk. I came to think about, and remember the mental training - both old and new, that I've accumulated over the years, and started to implement it.
It's so easy to forget.
Oh well, change is good. Makes you face your issues and grow stronger.
tisdag 17 augusti 2010
Cat?
“This is so degrading, no, humiliating, I can't believe that you are making me do this!”
“Hoh? And how do you think I feel? You think I like putting this on you? To have to strap you into that thing and put a leash on you?”
“Tsk, this is so weird. “
“You're telling me – you're not the one talking to your damned cat.”
Maybe this exact scene won't be replicated, but I can almost promise that something like it will. We got a pet cat today. Ah small lovely thing of indiscernible lineage, Hera, named after the roman goddess of home and hearth has now moved in with us. Fitting for an indoors cat, don't you agree? It'll be nice to have a cat around. They're tidy creatures, keep to themselves most of the time and certainly aren't dependent on humans the same way dogs are. But I still prefer dogs. :P
Got word from the studies counselor at the department of Nordic languages, and I'm green to go on my bachelor thesis, and I've decided to write the it, just to get it done.
Bad news on the work application-front. For the longest time I was the only applicant, but as of Friday another five have also applied for the position, and most of them are significantly more qualified than me.
So things are looking a bit dark at the moment. But I'm actually kind of ok with that. I've come to realize that I don't really enjoy working at that place and as such I would probably to a lot better if I tried to get another job – even if it mean joining one of those fucking HR-companies. Academic work i supposed to be one of the good ones I hear.... hurgh, I feel nauseous.
Either way I have faith that things will work out for the best. If I don't get that job, I go free from the a company I think sort of badly of and a workplace that's ok on good days and horribly incompatible with me on bad days. Plus I would get more time to do what I want, keep my social life and hopefully boost my writing career.... But that's hypothetical.
If I DO get it.. then I have a secure income for the upcoming seven months, which would also be terrific... planned/regular income is quite relaxing since it allows for a more flexible budget. But then again.. to keep working at that place.. I don't know. It doesn't feel that attractive. I want something better, more fulfilling, and more rewarding, both in terms of remuneration and psychological well-being.
“If you're looking for a disappointment,
you will find one around every corner”
- Garbage, tell me where it hurts
“Hoh? And how do you think I feel? You think I like putting this on you? To have to strap you into that thing and put a leash on you?”
“Tsk, this is so weird. “
“You're telling me – you're not the one talking to your damned cat.”
Maybe this exact scene won't be replicated, but I can almost promise that something like it will. We got a pet cat today. Ah small lovely thing of indiscernible lineage, Hera, named after the roman goddess of home and hearth has now moved in with us. Fitting for an indoors cat, don't you agree? It'll be nice to have a cat around. They're tidy creatures, keep to themselves most of the time and certainly aren't dependent on humans the same way dogs are. But I still prefer dogs. :P
Got word from the studies counselor at the department of Nordic languages, and I'm green to go on my bachelor thesis, and I've decided to write the it, just to get it done.
Bad news on the work application-front. For the longest time I was the only applicant, but as of Friday another five have also applied for the position, and most of them are significantly more qualified than me.
So things are looking a bit dark at the moment. But I'm actually kind of ok with that. I've come to realize that I don't really enjoy working at that place and as such I would probably to a lot better if I tried to get another job – even if it mean joining one of those fucking HR-companies. Academic work i supposed to be one of the good ones I hear.... hurgh, I feel nauseous.
Either way I have faith that things will work out for the best. If I don't get that job, I go free from the a company I think sort of badly of and a workplace that's ok on good days and horribly incompatible with me on bad days. Plus I would get more time to do what I want, keep my social life and hopefully boost my writing career.... But that's hypothetical.
If I DO get it.. then I have a secure income for the upcoming seven months, which would also be terrific... planned/regular income is quite relaxing since it allows for a more flexible budget. But then again.. to keep working at that place.. I don't know. It doesn't feel that attractive. I want something better, more fulfilling, and more rewarding, both in terms of remuneration and psychological well-being.
“If you're looking for a disappointment,
you will find one around every corner”
- Garbage, tell me where it hurts
lördag 14 augusti 2010
Grand theft normal boring life
I don't like my workshop, my work room, or what the hell I ought to call it. That's a problem. It feels like a prison cell. Small, cramped and gray. I can't concentrate in there. I've been sitting in the living room most of the week, I've actually got some writing done, mostly blogposts, not that any of them will be getting published (yet) since most of them need polish and more critically, endings. The conclusion that I've come to is that it is always better to write even just one word that to leave the paper empty. Old news really, but this time around the meaning sunk in.
It has been a slow, but comfy week. My CoLW (Co-Law Wife, which is the proper English word for “sambo”, our British neighbor Ian told me once) has been away on a charity trip since Tuesday and while I do miss her, it has been nice to get some time on my own. So this coming school year should work out perfectly then?... Maybe.. I have some doubts about it, but let's just wait and see how it goes, shall we?
Speaking of school, I really ought to take care of business with trying to sign up for my bachelor thesis or at least try to sign on some courses for this semester, but I find my will to act lacking. I just can't be arsed to care, and re-entering the academic world isn't that appealing. Too much facade, a lot of air inside. A lot of stale air.. A lot of stale air full of mildewy values. Oh bugger me, I'll get to it eventually – got to study to keep the flat I live in. I'm still having trouble deciding if I should go for the bachelor thesis or try to sign in on Basic English. Both choices are “good”. The bachelor thesis would give me more time to write/read/paint and whatnot, and would probably work seamlessly with the evening-shift job I'm rather certain that I'll get hired for. On the other hand, the English course would be FUN to read, something I'm fairly sure that the Bachelor thesis wouldn't be... D'oh well, Pay your fucking dues. At the time of re-writing (saturday) I'm waiting for a response about the Bachelor thesis. Wait N see.
Work has been kind of slow too. I have been working 06-11 every day. Sweden is still just waking up from its summer-hibernation, so the volumes have not increased that much.. yet. Next week will be a bitch if one believes the forecast. No one does. Oh well, it's a blue-collar-life. The other kids(please note that I refer to the people at work as “the kids” since many of them make me feel like I'm talking to children or at least very young persons.) at work are still kind of apprehensive towards me, which I do understand since I guess that none of them are used to having someone like me around – for good or ill. Other that it might compromise my chance of getting that job I applied for, I don't really care. Streamers find me strange – how surprising.
On the more fun part of life. There's been a considerable upswing in the airsoft-part of my hobbies. I like it. It's fun, it reminds me of when me and my.... friends played war when we were kids, only now we shoot real projectiles at each other. There's a post about airsoft and airsoft play coming up, so I'll just note that I'm putting more of my time into this hobby now.
I spent most of this saturday painting a trollkin champion kithkar. The result feels damn disappointing considering how long I spent painting the thing... But it's mostly metal colors and I've never been good at using those. They're boring and usually look like shit. Thus far it looks decent enough for a gaming piece, but I'm not satisfied with it. Bah. The rest of the unit will probably be a bit more fun since they're not covered in armor in the same way the kithkar is.
The upcoming week promises: a fuckload of work; wrestling academic people for a late admission; separation from my lovely love as she'll start attending her school next sunday; a CQB airsoft game at Tjärnan next saturday.. So... One good thing coming up then.
Swell.
It has been a slow, but comfy week. My CoLW (Co-Law Wife, which is the proper English word for “sambo”, our British neighbor Ian told me once) has been away on a charity trip since Tuesday and while I do miss her, it has been nice to get some time on my own. So this coming school year should work out perfectly then?... Maybe.. I have some doubts about it, but let's just wait and see how it goes, shall we?
Speaking of school, I really ought to take care of business with trying to sign up for my bachelor thesis or at least try to sign on some courses for this semester, but I find my will to act lacking. I just can't be arsed to care, and re-entering the academic world isn't that appealing. Too much facade, a lot of air inside. A lot of stale air.. A lot of stale air full of mildewy values. Oh bugger me, I'll get to it eventually – got to study to keep the flat I live in. I'm still having trouble deciding if I should go for the bachelor thesis or try to sign in on Basic English. Both choices are “good”. The bachelor thesis would give me more time to write/read/paint and whatnot, and would probably work seamlessly with the evening-shift job I'm rather certain that I'll get hired for. On the other hand, the English course would be FUN to read, something I'm fairly sure that the Bachelor thesis wouldn't be... D'oh well, Pay your fucking dues. At the time of re-writing (saturday) I'm waiting for a response about the Bachelor thesis. Wait N see.
Work has been kind of slow too. I have been working 06-11 every day. Sweden is still just waking up from its summer-hibernation, so the volumes have not increased that much.. yet. Next week will be a bitch if one believes the forecast. No one does. Oh well, it's a blue-collar-life. The other kids(please note that I refer to the people at work as “the kids” since many of them make me feel like I'm talking to children or at least very young persons.) at work are still kind of apprehensive towards me, which I do understand since I guess that none of them are used to having someone like me around – for good or ill. Other that it might compromise my chance of getting that job I applied for, I don't really care. Streamers find me strange – how surprising.
On the more fun part of life. There's been a considerable upswing in the airsoft-part of my hobbies. I like it. It's fun, it reminds me of when me and my.... friends played war when we were kids, only now we shoot real projectiles at each other. There's a post about airsoft and airsoft play coming up, so I'll just note that I'm putting more of my time into this hobby now.
I spent most of this saturday painting a trollkin champion kithkar. The result feels damn disappointing considering how long I spent painting the thing... But it's mostly metal colors and I've never been good at using those. They're boring and usually look like shit. Thus far it looks decent enough for a gaming piece, but I'm not satisfied with it. Bah. The rest of the unit will probably be a bit more fun since they're not covered in armor in the same way the kithkar is.
The upcoming week promises: a fuckload of work; wrestling academic people for a late admission; separation from my lovely love as she'll start attending her school next sunday; a CQB airsoft game at Tjärnan next saturday.. So... One good thing coming up then.
Swell.
tisdag 13 april 2010
Done, and done.
So.. There.. I'm Finally done painting the last of Lovefictions HeroQuest gaming pieces. All of them painted, sealed and put away pending packaging. It has been fun, it has at times very frustrating, I've learned a lot, but most important of all - I kept the promise that I would paint them. This promise is the main reason why I didn't scrap the project - my motivation certainly screamed for mercy many times along the way. But I don't break my word, simple as that.
Remember that: People who don't keep their promises aren't worth the air they breathe.
It would be quite a stretch if I said that I’m satisfied with all of them, but plastics don’t allow do-overs, so they get to stay imperfect… On the whole this project have been a failure when one considers the amount of time that have passed since I first got the objects in my hands to when I dusted the final sealant onto them. Other things got in the way, I had to prioritize other things.. I forgot about it completely at times; I started other projects (since I had forgotten about it or because it bored me and I didn’t have a timetable nor heard any complaints – young and stupid? Check. Unprofessional? Absolutely. And no, I’m not proud of it). Then came a time when I felt that I just had to suck it up and get it done. And now it is.
They’re hardly my best work, and I really don’t think that my efforts show on the finished models, which is frustrating since I didn’t take any shortcuts. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it’s difficult to paint poorly detailed models. But they still look (a lot) better now than they did unpainted. No doubt about it.
Now.. Where did I put my airbrush?
Remember that: People who don't keep their promises aren't worth the air they breathe.
It would be quite a stretch if I said that I’m satisfied with all of them, but plastics don’t allow do-overs, so they get to stay imperfect… On the whole this project have been a failure when one considers the amount of time that have passed since I first got the objects in my hands to when I dusted the final sealant onto them. Other things got in the way, I had to prioritize other things.. I forgot about it completely at times; I started other projects (since I had forgotten about it or because it bored me and I didn’t have a timetable nor heard any complaints – young and stupid? Check. Unprofessional? Absolutely. And no, I’m not proud of it). Then came a time when I felt that I just had to suck it up and get it done. And now it is.
They’re hardly my best work, and I really don’t think that my efforts show on the finished models, which is frustrating since I didn’t take any shortcuts. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it’s difficult to paint poorly detailed models. But they still look (a lot) better now than they did unpainted. No doubt about it.
Now.. Where did I put my airbrush?
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