Volt 2012

Last night I went to the Volt electronica festival here in Uppsala, and I had a great time. Most of the artists who played during the first few hours were too artsy and too opaque for my taste, but I still enjoyed the evening thanks to those I went there with; Cally, and two of my former pack mates: Lost and Charlie.

At 00.15 Wolfgang Flor’s show started. It blew my mind, literally. I danced for 1½ hours straight, and I was completely lost in the music, feeling the melodies course through my bones and the beat of the bass pounding through my chest. It was just amazing.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy dancing, how you can use your body to express the exuberant joy music gives you, and how incredible it feels when you are keeping track of the bass with your feet, tracing one part of the melody with your hips, another with your elbows and hands, and moving your head to another part of the song – awesome. 


Quote for the night:

"Dance like the whole world is watching - and you are going to give them the greatest show on Earth."

Good going there!

Though I agree to a certain extent, I can't help feeling offended and provoked by this: http://kotaku.com/5910857/straight-white-male-the-lowest-difficulty-setting-there-is

Ok, so it's ok for eveyone else to act like racist sexists towards this particular demographic, and you expect, no - demand, that they should take it lying down?

Yeah. Makes perfect sense.

Oh well, I guess it is just another contribution to the growing hate culture that is spreading through society like an metastatic cancer.

So it goes

Since last time: Nope, life didn't turn into green pastures and lovely skies, it just kept going, as it does.
Fall of 2011: A decent term, nothing great; A failed romance, I was the prey, and a deluded prey at that, she managed to bring me down but I eventually dumped her because I made us both miserable. A decent christmas, an ok new years eve, had one hell of a hangover the following day however.

Winter/spring 2012: A new term, a new hope... As fucking if. It was just another term, Teacher practice, A trip to england, a couple of pretty good courses. Here I am, at the end of the term, still working, still studying, still writing, still painting and still single.

[...]

This afternoon, a friend told me:
"It's a bit creepy that you know that."
And I didn't reply:.....I know, I shouldn't. Did you forget that I am a fucking freak?

7 hours later another friend asks online:

"What are you doing?"

The question gave me pause. I wanted to be honest, as always, but somehow I could not bring myself to write "I'm drinking alone (again), and contemplating why I feel like shit.

I have everything, I'm in a -great- position in life, I have got a stable future ahead of me, I have money, I have friends...Ok, so I don't have a girlfriend, but damnit, my life is great!  Still I can't stop myself from sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

It's pathetic.

Yepp. Everything is great. It is just that I feel like an outsider and a truly hopeless case whenever I interact with other people, especially those of my own generation; they tend to misinterpret most of the things I say, and draw entirely faulty conclusions about what I am trying to say. It sucks. I have lost count of the times when I have received a reply to a question or a statement and they are answering an entirely different question or statement.

But.. In the end, it is my responsibility as the sender to communicate in such a way that the receiver understands what I am trying to say.... I just have to figure out how the (fuck) you go about doing that in the IRL social non-professional context(s).

And what I need is to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and get my shit together.

The funny thing is, that I have no idea of what this post actually says to other people. I know what I am trying to say, but experience has taught me that that notion is in no way a good indicator of what people actually think I am saying.

So it goes.

One million thoughts and I still feel like I have nothing to say

I’m glad this summer is over. It has been the worst summer in years. I haven’t worked much, and what little work I got was low-paying. But I’ve managed as I always do. Throughout the summer, I have at times felt life-blocked and confined, for various reasons. Although I haven’t been confronted with major problems, there have been enough snags to cause serious frustration and anger. I’m not going to go into details about events and occurrences. The result, however, is that what I have experienced during this summer has provoked a palpable spurt in personal growth.

I have undergone a fundamental change in attitude to life in general, and now have a much more positive outlook – with regards to my own mind, talents and skills and thus my ability to make an impact on the world around me. My self-confidence has grown tougher, and my self-esteem has risen high. I have made peace with some of my less desirable personality traits, and also gotten closure to (internal) conflicts that have hounded me for most of my adult life. I am making some real changes to my life, ditching hobbies, behaviors, things and persons which I feel detract from my life experience, and focusing on those which are sources of energy to me. It has worked like a charm, thus far.

Easily distracted

This form was stolen from a friend, who in turn stole it from someone else.
My translation.

Mention something that made you glad yesterday: ...Yesterday... What happened yesterday..
Vad did you do 0800 this morning: I editing an essay for my course in literature.
What did you do 15 minutes ago: Talked to my brother about some of the thoughts that have been troubling me this evening.
Latest thing you said alound: What?
Latest thing someone said to you: Ahja.
What have you drunk today: A whole lot of tea.
What was the latest thing you ate: A banana.
Your latest purcharse: Blood bowl: Legendary edition
What colour is your front door: Wooden veneer, mid-tone brown.
What is the weather like: Not a cloud in the sky.
Favourite ice-cream flavour: Old-style Vanilla
Do you believe in love at first sight: Not really. All good things take time to grow: love is no different, I believe.
Are you a heavy sleeper: Mostly, yes.
Do you have nightmares: Not anymore.
Do you like your job: ....I'd say yes.
Preferred clothing: Black jeans and a black tee, probarbly with an open black shirt.
Favourite song right now: "Numb" by Alice in Videoland and "Blindness" by Metric.
What do you see if you look to your right: My brother, who is watching some movie on his laptop.
Current mood: Numb or slightly aggravated
Preferred sweets: Cookies or fruit.
How are you currently dressed: Black jeans and a black singlet.
Plans for this summer: I'll Take it as it comes.
How many pillows? One.
Do you play an instrument: I sing, does that count?
Early bird or night owl: Both.
What is most important: Now there is a stupid question.
Are you ticklish: Don't try me.
Do you snore: Alledgedly, no.
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Most disgusting insect: Don't care much for insects.
What do you long for the most: A steady (sufficent) income.

Well. There's that.
Auf wiedersehen.

Doubt

“I didn’t want this – I did it anyway” – Mesh: How long

And now I wonder, was it a wise decision or a big mistake?

I do not generally believe in finality, but I'm starting to wonder if I have let the best thing that has ever been in my life,
slip through my fingers.

Sweet dreams, fat man

And so the fat man is finally knocked into a coma.

My bachelor thesis is at long last sent in, and will most probably never bother me again. I am beyond relieved. Perhaps my life can re-start now? Or at least get going again? I can’t help feeling like I’ve been stuck in a swamp for the last few months. Bugger me, talk about wasting life.

Oh well, now it’s finally over, completely over. Done and done. I am still waiting for it to get registered though, but it’s officially out of my hands.

It’s time to celebrate.