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Ja, det är väl bara en sådan där kväll antar jag.

Mörkret sveper in, lindar sig hårt runt själen och kramar värmen ur mitt sinne.

Förtvivlans välbekanta gestalt häller upp ytterligare två glas och väntar sig, med samma hånleende som alltid, en segerskål. Ilska sätter sig tillrätta i mitt knä och lägger en arm om mina axlar samtidigt som hon tänder cigarren hon satt mellan mina läppar. Självrespekt och Tro står i dörröppningen och skakar på sina huvuden i ett par sekunder innan Skuld och Ånger drar dem ur sikte.

Kvar är jag med sällskapet som aldrig lämnar mig. 

Helios hardens my heart (?)

Maybe it is just the late hour - and the tendency toward sentimentality that often comes to me with it, or perhaps it is an actual change of mind: I think I might be gearing up, mentally, to actually make an effort to acquire a new partner. I can't put my finger on why, really, but it just feels like my life is flowing in that direction.


It is still not clear to me what I would personally gain from a relationship, or if I would even manage to fit it into my life, but maybe those things will just clear up as we go along. That just leaves finding a someone from a compatible sub-culture, to whom I'm attracted, find interesting, intellectually stimulating, and who is not put off by my face or repulsed by my personality. 


Ye-ah.. That should be ea-sy...

Oh well, it is common knowledge:  The only way to be guaranteed to lose is to not play the game.

With that in mind... Come what may.

Blame it on my ADD

Thankfully, I am once more lucid enough to realize that I've been acting like an asshole - and for this I apologize. But hey, at least I'm human sometimes.

The worst part about going into an episode is that you do not usually realize until you are standing on the bottom of the pit, hating everything and everyone, raging at phantom reflections of the world around you (and to those around you you are just acting weird and a lot meaner than usual) and it is so difficult to find a grip that lets you start to climb up again.

Luckily, I caught a break recently, and since then I have managed to put myself back together. It is painfully clear to me that the fundamental patterns of my life are not working properly, since I keep falling down again and again.

 I'm not sure how to do it or what it will accomplish, but shit has to change - because this is obviously not working out. I suppose I will always feel like an aberration, but at least I should get rid of the accumulated garbage, be it mental, social och physical, that is cluttering my life and choking the vitality out of me.

The people around me deserve a better version of me.

I deserve a better version of me.

T-shirt painting

Yesterday, as I was looking through my wardrobe for a decent electro-looking outfit for the evening, I realized I had nothing I felt like wearing.

So I googled a paragon symbol from the Mass Effect series, printed it, cut a mask from the print and painted it on a T-shirt with my airbrush, using the textile colors I got this winter. After figuring out how to heat-set the color, it was ready to go! 

I find it a bit funny that it would take a fit of vanity such as this to make me use my textile colors, but I like the results, and I brought new life to an old boring black t-shirt. It certainly opens up for some interesting possibilities. Now I just need to put in enough hours to make become good enough to paint freehand motifs, and I should be able to make some money off painting custom T-shirts. 

Hmm, oh well, it is a nice long-term ambition anyway. 

Volt 2012

Last night I went to the Volt electronica festival here in Uppsala, and I had a great time. Most of the artists who played during the first few hours were too artsy and too opaque for my taste, but I still enjoyed the evening thanks to those I went there with; Cally, and two of my former pack mates: Lost and Charlie.

At 00.15 Wolfgang Flor’s show started. It blew my mind, literally. I danced for 1½ hours straight, and I was completely lost in the music, feeling the melodies course through my bones and the beat of the bass pounding through my chest. It was just amazing.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy dancing, how you can use your body to express the exuberant joy music gives you, and how incredible it feels when you are keeping track of the bass with your feet, tracing one part of the melody with your hips, another with your elbows and hands, and moving your head to another part of the song – awesome. 


Quote for the night:

"Dance like the whole world is watching - and you are going to give them the greatest show on Earth."

Good going there!

Though I agree to a certain extent, I can't help feeling offended and provoked by this: http://kotaku.com/5910857/straight-white-male-the-lowest-difficulty-setting-there-is

Ok, so it's ok for eveyone else to act like racist sexists towards this particular demographic, and you expect, no - demand, that they should take it lying down?

Yeah. Makes perfect sense.

Oh well, I guess it is just another contribution to the growing hate culture that is spreading through society like an metastatic cancer.

So it goes

Since last time: Nope, life didn't turn into green pastures and lovely skies, it just kept going, as it does.
Fall of 2011: A decent term, nothing great; A failed romance, I was the prey, and a deluded prey at that, she managed to bring me down but I eventually dumped her because I made us both miserable. A decent christmas, an ok new years eve, had one hell of a hangover the following day however.

Winter/spring 2012: A new term, a new hope... As fucking if. It was just another term, Teacher practice, A trip to england, a couple of pretty good courses. Here I am, at the end of the term, still working, still studying, still writing, still painting and still single.

[...]

This afternoon, a friend told me:
"It's a bit creepy that you know that."
And I didn't reply:.....I know, I shouldn't. Did you forget that I am a fucking freak?

7 hours later another friend asks online:

"What are you doing?"

The question gave me pause. I wanted to be honest, as always, but somehow I could not bring myself to write "I'm drinking alone (again), and contemplating why I feel like shit.

I have everything, I'm in a -great- position in life, I have got a stable future ahead of me, I have money, I have friends...Ok, so I don't have a girlfriend, but damnit, my life is great!  Still I can't stop myself from sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

It's pathetic.

Yepp. Everything is great. It is just that I feel like an outsider and a truly hopeless case whenever I interact with other people, especially those of my own generation; they tend to misinterpret most of the things I say, and draw entirely faulty conclusions about what I am trying to say. It sucks. I have lost count of the times when I have received a reply to a question or a statement and they are answering an entirely different question or statement.

But.. In the end, it is my responsibility as the sender to communicate in such a way that the receiver understands what I am trying to say.... I just have to figure out how the (fuck) you go about doing that in the IRL social non-professional context(s).

And what I need is to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and get my shit together.

The funny thing is, that I have no idea of what this post actually says to other people. I know what I am trying to say, but experience has taught me that that notion is in no way a good indicator of what people actually think I am saying.

So it goes.