Text?

Ja, det är väl bara en sådan där kväll antar jag.

Mörkret sveper in, lindar sig hårt runt själen och kramar värmen ur mitt sinne.

Förtvivlans välbekanta gestalt häller upp ytterligare två glas och väntar sig, med samma hånleende som alltid, en segerskål. Ilska sätter sig tillrätta i mitt knä och lägger en arm om mina axlar samtidigt som hon tänder cigarren hon satt mellan mina läppar. Självrespekt och Tro står i dörröppningen och skakar på sina huvuden i ett par sekunder innan Skuld och Ånger drar dem ur sikte.

Kvar är jag med sällskapet som aldrig lämnar mig. 

Helios hardens my heart (?)

Maybe it is just the late hour - and the tendency toward sentimentality that often comes to me with it, or perhaps it is an actual change of mind: I think I might be gearing up, mentally, to actually make an effort to acquire a new partner. I can't put my finger on why, really, but it just feels like my life is flowing in that direction.


It is still not clear to me what I would personally gain from a relationship, or if I would even manage to fit it into my life, but maybe those things will just clear up as we go along. That just leaves finding a someone from a compatible sub-culture, to whom I'm attracted, find interesting, intellectually stimulating, and who is not put off by my face or repulsed by my personality. 


Ye-ah.. That should be ea-sy...

Oh well, it is common knowledge:  The only way to be guaranteed to lose is to not play the game.

With that in mind... Come what may.

Blame it on my ADD

Thankfully, I am once more lucid enough to realize that I've been acting like an asshole - and for this I apologize. But hey, at least I'm human sometimes.

The worst part about going into an episode is that you do not usually realize until you are standing on the bottom of the pit, hating everything and everyone, raging at phantom reflections of the world around you (and to those around you you are just acting weird and a lot meaner than usual) and it is so difficult to find a grip that lets you start to climb up again.

Luckily, I caught a break recently, and since then I have managed to put myself back together. It is painfully clear to me that the fundamental patterns of my life are not working properly, since I keep falling down again and again.

 I'm not sure how to do it or what it will accomplish, but shit has to change - because this is obviously not working out. I suppose I will always feel like an aberration, but at least I should get rid of the accumulated garbage, be it mental, social och physical, that is cluttering my life and choking the vitality out of me.

The people around me deserve a better version of me.

I deserve a better version of me.

T-shirt painting

Yesterday, as I was looking through my wardrobe for a decent electro-looking outfit for the evening, I realized I had nothing I felt like wearing.

So I googled a paragon symbol from the Mass Effect series, printed it, cut a mask from the print and painted it on a T-shirt with my airbrush, using the textile colors I got this winter. After figuring out how to heat-set the color, it was ready to go! 

I find it a bit funny that it would take a fit of vanity such as this to make me use my textile colors, but I like the results, and I brought new life to an old boring black t-shirt. It certainly opens up for some interesting possibilities. Now I just need to put in enough hours to make become good enough to paint freehand motifs, and I should be able to make some money off painting custom T-shirts. 

Hmm, oh well, it is a nice long-term ambition anyway. 

Volt 2012

Last night I went to the Volt electronica festival here in Uppsala, and I had a great time. Most of the artists who played during the first few hours were too artsy and too opaque for my taste, but I still enjoyed the evening thanks to those I went there with; Cally, and two of my former pack mates: Lost and Charlie.

At 00.15 Wolfgang Flor’s show started. It blew my mind, literally. I danced for 1½ hours straight, and I was completely lost in the music, feeling the melodies course through my bones and the beat of the bass pounding through my chest. It was just amazing.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy dancing, how you can use your body to express the exuberant joy music gives you, and how incredible it feels when you are keeping track of the bass with your feet, tracing one part of the melody with your hips, another with your elbows and hands, and moving your head to another part of the song – awesome. 


Quote for the night:

"Dance like the whole world is watching - and you are going to give them the greatest show on Earth."

Good going there!

Though I agree to a certain extent, I can't help feeling offended and provoked by this: http://kotaku.com/5910857/straight-white-male-the-lowest-difficulty-setting-there-is

Ok, so it's ok for eveyone else to act like racist sexists towards this particular demographic, and you expect, no - demand, that they should take it lying down?

Yeah. Makes perfect sense.

Oh well, I guess it is just another contribution to the growing hate culture that is spreading through society like an metastatic cancer.

So it goes

Since last time: Nope, life didn't turn into green pastures and lovely skies, it just kept going, as it does.
Fall of 2011: A decent term, nothing great; A failed romance, I was the prey, and a deluded prey at that, she managed to bring me down but I eventually dumped her because I made us both miserable. A decent christmas, an ok new years eve, had one hell of a hangover the following day however.

Winter/spring 2012: A new term, a new hope... As fucking if. It was just another term, Teacher practice, A trip to england, a couple of pretty good courses. Here I am, at the end of the term, still working, still studying, still writing, still painting and still single.

[...]

This afternoon, a friend told me:
"It's a bit creepy that you know that."
And I didn't reply:.....I know, I shouldn't. Did you forget that I am a fucking freak?

7 hours later another friend asks online:

"What are you doing?"

The question gave me pause. I wanted to be honest, as always, but somehow I could not bring myself to write "I'm drinking alone (again), and contemplating why I feel like shit.

I have everything, I'm in a -great- position in life, I have got a stable future ahead of me, I have money, I have friends...Ok, so I don't have a girlfriend, but damnit, my life is great!  Still I can't stop myself from sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

It's pathetic.

Yepp. Everything is great. It is just that I feel like an outsider and a truly hopeless case whenever I interact with other people, especially those of my own generation; they tend to misinterpret most of the things I say, and draw entirely faulty conclusions about what I am trying to say. It sucks. I have lost count of the times when I have received a reply to a question or a statement and they are answering an entirely different question or statement.

But.. In the end, it is my responsibility as the sender to communicate in such a way that the receiver understands what I am trying to say.... I just have to figure out how the (fuck) you go about doing that in the IRL social non-professional context(s).

And what I need is to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself and get my shit together.

The funny thing is, that I have no idea of what this post actually says to other people. I know what I am trying to say, but experience has taught me that that notion is in no way a good indicator of what people actually think I am saying.

So it goes.

One million thoughts and I still feel like I have nothing to say

I’m glad this summer is over. It has been the worst summer in years. I haven’t worked much, and what little work I got was low-paying. But I’ve managed as I always do. Throughout the summer, I have at times felt life-blocked and confined, for various reasons. Although I haven’t been confronted with major problems, there have been enough snags to cause serious frustration and anger. I’m not going to go into details about events and occurrences. The result, however, is that what I have experienced during this summer has provoked a palpable spurt in personal growth.

I have undergone a fundamental change in attitude to life in general, and now have a much more positive outlook – with regards to my own mind, talents and skills and thus my ability to make an impact on the world around me. My self-confidence has grown tougher, and my self-esteem has risen high. I have made peace with some of my less desirable personality traits, and also gotten closure to (internal) conflicts that have hounded me for most of my adult life. I am making some real changes to my life, ditching hobbies, behaviors, things and persons which I feel detract from my life experience, and focusing on those which are sources of energy to me. It has worked like a charm, thus far.

Easily distracted

This form was stolen from a friend, who in turn stole it from someone else.
My translation.

Mention something that made you glad yesterday: ...Yesterday... What happened yesterday..
Vad did you do 0800 this morning: I editing an essay for my course in literature.
What did you do 15 minutes ago: Talked to my brother about some of the thoughts that have been troubling me this evening.
Latest thing you said alound: What?
Latest thing someone said to you: Ahja.
What have you drunk today: A whole lot of tea.
What was the latest thing you ate: A banana.
Your latest purcharse: Blood bowl: Legendary edition
What colour is your front door: Wooden veneer, mid-tone brown.
What is the weather like: Not a cloud in the sky.
Favourite ice-cream flavour: Old-style Vanilla
Do you believe in love at first sight: Not really. All good things take time to grow: love is no different, I believe.
Are you a heavy sleeper: Mostly, yes.
Do you have nightmares: Not anymore.
Do you like your job: ....I'd say yes.
Preferred clothing: Black jeans and a black tee, probarbly with an open black shirt.
Favourite song right now: "Numb" by Alice in Videoland and "Blindness" by Metric.
What do you see if you look to your right: My brother, who is watching some movie on his laptop.
Current mood: Numb or slightly aggravated
Preferred sweets: Cookies or fruit.
How are you currently dressed: Black jeans and a black singlet.
Plans for this summer: I'll Take it as it comes.
How many pillows? One.
Do you play an instrument: I sing, does that count?
Early bird or night owl: Both.
What is most important: Now there is a stupid question.
Are you ticklish: Don't try me.
Do you snore: Alledgedly, no.
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Most disgusting insect: Don't care much for insects.
What do you long for the most: A steady (sufficent) income.

Well. There's that.
Auf wiedersehen.

Doubt

“I didn’t want this – I did it anyway” – Mesh: How long

And now I wonder, was it a wise decision or a big mistake?

I do not generally believe in finality, but I'm starting to wonder if I have let the best thing that has ever been in my life,
slip through my fingers.

Sweet dreams, fat man

And so the fat man is finally knocked into a coma.

My bachelor thesis is at long last sent in, and will most probably never bother me again. I am beyond relieved. Perhaps my life can re-start now? Or at least get going again? I can’t help feeling like I’ve been stuck in a swamp for the last few months. Bugger me, talk about wasting life.

Oh well, now it’s finally over, completely over. Done and done. I am still waiting for it to get registered though, but it’s officially out of my hands.

It’s time to celebrate.

Min uppsats är en fet man i ett snabbköp

Har kommit in på slutsträckan på min C-uppsats nu – Jag har en del av diskussionen kvar, det rör sig om ett par sidor nytt material, och en omstrukturering av utvalda delar. Det är förbaskat frustrerande, då det går trögt att skriva fram materialet.
Drömde att jag blev jagad genom ett stort snabbköp inatt. Den som jagade mig var en fet man från en tidigare del av mitt liv. Jag kan inte säga varför min plågoande tog dennes form. Han fick tag på mig så småningom, och spöade mig fullkomligt, action movie-style, kastade mig genom varuhyllor, slängde mig hit och dit, sparkade och slog mig blodig. Ovisshet inför en obeveklig fiende, jomenvisst, nog är han min uppsats allt. Men jag gav mig inte i alla fall – Det sista som hände innan jag vaknade var att jag försökte vrida bort hans fot som höll på krossa min bröstkorg, och jag skrek mellan splittrade, blodiga tänder att han skulle låta mig vara. Så ännu har inte glöden gått ur mig. Men fan vet att jag är less på det här. Jag vill ha tillbaka mitt liv. Det ligger inte riktigt för mig att lägga sex till tio timmar per dag på något som jag i grund och botten är likgiltig inför. Något jag bara gör för att någon någonstans bestämt att man måste göra det för att få en bit papper som säger att man har varit en duktig apa. Tala om bortkastad tid.

Men ja, snart är den klar, det kompletta utkastet ska skickas till handledaren på tisdag, därefter borde det inte vara speciellt mycket kvar att göra innan den i alla fall är i sådant skick att den blir godkänd. I nuläget siktar jag inte på något högre betyg. Ämnet jag studerar har visat sig vara i svåraste laget, och min metod var förmodligen inte den lämpligaste för att studera ämnet. Men vad gör man, det som är gjort är gjort, och deadline är för nära för det ska gå att göra någon större förändring på något område. Det är rätt skönt på sitt sätt. Skriv klart, skicka in, skriv om, skicka in. Borde vara enkelt nog, kan man tycka.

För saker och ting går ofta som planerat. Eller hur?

En lugn kväll

Vissa kvällar bara har "det". Det där lilla extra som verkligen får en att känna att livet är värt och leva. Jag hade suttit och brottats med min C-uppsats hela dagen. Lagom slut i huvudet och lagom seg efter middagen bestämde jag mig för att ta en promenad.

Det utspridda duggregnet var välkomnande och vinden blåste ljum. Jag gick min vanliga vända runt Flogsta. De fuktiga gatorna blänkte i det gulaktiga skenet från gatlamporna, vattenpussarna skimrade som guld. Lite folk rörde sig på gångvägarna, mest motionärer. Några bilar drog förbi.

Uppsatsen harvade i bakskallen de första fyra-fem hundra metrarna, men efter det att jag tagit ett beslut som förmodligen kommer ge min examinator och handledare varsin stroke, började jag äntligen släppa skiten och tänkte på andra, betydligt gemytligare ting. Det var en av de där ovanliga gångerna när min Mp3 spelare såg till att alltid välja en låt som kopplade an till det jag precis tänkte på, mycket underligt och även uppskattat. Helt avslappnad, överlag närvarande och tillfreds, med i huvudsak positiva framtidstankar i huvudet. Var ute i lite drygt en timme. Perfekt.

Tenta på Torsdag, Munta på fredag, Midterminsseminarium nästa onsdag - och jag har bestämt mig för att byta både metod och materialomfång(Stroke). Det ligger på. Men ikväll mår jag bra. Det känns lugnt, stabilt, och allt kommer att lösa sig. Och om det inte gör det, forsätter livet ändå.

Men det är klart det kommer att gå bra.

Samhällskritik?

First of all, I just have to give a nod of respect to Thomas Bodström for putting his family before his career. To have a top politician make such a choice sets a valuable precedent in these bitter times. Hat's off, Tommy!

And then we have those chilenian miners who've finally gotten back to the surface. Good going guys, going back down soon? One does wonder if they're not at least thinking about a career change. To be trapped (involuntarily) underground for two months must have put those ideas in their heads.

I must admit that I'm somewhat amused about that one guy who was greeted by both his wife and his mistress when he got brought back up. Imagine his exasperation at that sight of those two next to each other. As it turned out, neither was that upset about it. Well, that figures I guess. If you've been married for 26 years, then you probably know your spouse inside and out, whether s/he realize or not. Rumors state that he has other women as well, tucked away somewhere. His mistress refers to him as a "Superman". Goodness me, at times I think it is hard work to keep one woman's ego sated, and he juggles (at least) three. That's actually quite impressive; providing he isn't (wasn't) being a douche by going behind their backs. If you're going to live in such a way, then at least be honest about it; give the others the chance to make their choice.

This is something I have been pondering over the last few years, this "forced" monogamy that is firmly established in our society. The lack of tolerance within this framework is astounding. Sure, there's been an expansion of what's accepted, mainly concerning sexuality. But the ruling norm is still that of one man-on-one woman; and damn you if you as much as think about something else. Speaking as one who used to propagate this rule in my angrier youth, I now say that it doesn't make much sense. The human creature seems to be one of infinite variation, and in this regard, the ruling norm is insane, since it puts another restraint on the innate potential for a truly diverse society. It is no surprise that the framework is holding up as stiffly as it is, since most of us are brainwashed from birth to think in a certain way. Sure, we all possess the capability of independent thought, but not everyone also possesses the fortitude to speak his/her mind. Perhaps if more of us did, then a greater acceptance could be achieved.

Some parts of the population realize that everything is, in the end, subjective. This means that everyone ought to draw their own lines. Some people are polygamists by nature, just as a few are monogamists, and neither group is better or worse that the other ‒ and therefore it's up to each of us to decide for ourselves what we are and what we consider ok. Communication is paramount in any relationship, but I'd say that it is doubly so in the precarious beginnings of amorous relationships. Nobody wants to get their heart broken and few people delight in hurting others.

So for fucks sake people: Talk to each other; make sure that you're compatible.

Ytterligare ett inlägg

"Målet är inte avsaknad av ångest, utan att faktiskt må bra."

Det medför att man förmodligen behöver definiera vad det faktiskt innebär att må bra, vilket är svårt då det är så förbaskat subjektivt. Men ja, jag skulle vilja att mitt liv kändes roligt att leva, att varje dag var något jag såg fram mot, något som ständigt alstrar ny energi och expansion - kanske till och med att det fanns någon mening med att gå upp varje dag.

I och med att jag inte direkt är den mest kontaktsökande personen har jag rätt kass koll på huruvida folk faktiskt lever de liv de vill leva, än mindre om dessa liv de lever faktiskt ger dem någon känsla av glädje eller lycka när de lägger sig för att sova om kvällarna. Man kan hoppas.

Igår kväll tänkte jag för mig själv att jag skulle ta mig själv tjugo minuter och verkligen sätta mig ned och tänka igenom hur jag skulle vilja att mitt liv såg ut om det var "fulländat" och perfekt. Jag hann inte mer än sätta mig i skräddarställning i sängen och påbörja min meditation innan katten kom in i sovrummet och klättrade upp i sängen och jamade klagande tills jag gav med mig och gick och gav fanskapet mat. Vid det laget var jag alldeles för normalt förbannad för att ens tänka tanken på att ett bra energigivande liv skulle kunna existera varvid det föll åt sidan och idén begravdes under GTNBL.

När, vad, hur - Jé ne sais pas, men jag skulle uppskatta om liv kunde komma i rörelse igen.

The first snowflake of the coming avalanche

Hope is a nice feeling.

Predators

So I just came back from seeing "Predators" at the movies.

Adequately satisfying, I'd say.

It sits firmly in the "decent" part of the scale, the sort of film one pop into the player when you want to be entertained but don't want to think too much about it.

I'm glad that they've finally been able to hammer a good(ish) film out of the otherwise floundering Predators franchise. I got sequel vibes from the ending, so maybe the next movie will actually be good instead of just good-ish?

Hm. One can hope.

[This post may get updated]

Something wise?

This have been a weird week.

The days have gone by, and I barely know what I've done to make them pass. I've worked out, I've gone out running. But other than that. I barely know. Done some therapy-writing, played a lot of KOTOR, watched videos online, felt bad about being alone, felt weird about feeling bad about being alone - Funny that.

I've been sort of overwhelmed by how much time each day contains when one does not have to share that time with someone else. Hours and hours drift by because you can't think of something to do with all that time.

Trust me, the irony, of my earlier statements concerning me not having time for anything, is not lost to me. But when I have had all this time, I've just been sort of... Echoing, repeating old patterns that doesn't fit into the new time-space.

My brain haven't been working properly. A strange sensation, to say the least. Monday - Wednesday were hard since I couldn't think straight. Today this eased up somewhat, and I finally started to break out of the old patterns. It was like I woke up from a dream, or a deep sleepwalk. I came to think about, and remember the mental training - both old and new, that I've accumulated over the years, and started to implement it.

It's so easy to forget.


Oh well, change is good. Makes you face your issues and grow stronger.

Cat?

“This is so degrading, no, humiliating, I can't believe that you are making me do this!”

“Hoh? And how do you think I feel? You think I like putting this on you? To have to strap you into that thing and put a leash on you?”

“Tsk, this is so weird. “

“You're telling me – you're not the one talking to your damned cat.”

Maybe this exact scene won't be replicated, but I can almost promise that something like it will. We got a pet cat today. Ah small lovely thing of indiscernible lineage, Hera, named after the roman goddess of home and hearth has now moved in with us. Fitting for an indoors cat, don't you agree? It'll be nice to have a cat around. They're tidy creatures, keep to themselves most of the time and certainly aren't dependent on humans the same way dogs are. But I still prefer dogs. :P

Got word from the studies counselor at the department of Nordic languages, and I'm green to go on my bachelor thesis, and I've decided to write the it, just to get it done.

Bad news on the work application-front. For the longest time I was the only applicant, but as of Friday another five have also applied for the position, and most of them are significantly more qualified than me.
So things are looking a bit dark at the moment. But I'm actually kind of ok with that. I've come to realize that I don't really enjoy working at that place and as such I would probably to a lot better if I tried to get another job – even if it mean joining one of those fucking HR-companies. Academic work i supposed to be one of the good ones I hear.... hurgh, I feel nauseous.
Either way I have faith that things will work out for the best. If I don't get that job, I go free from the a company I think sort of badly of and a workplace that's ok on good days and horribly incompatible with me on bad days. Plus I would get more time to do what I want, keep my social life and hopefully boost my writing career.... But that's hypothetical.
If I DO get it.. then I have a secure income for the upcoming seven months, which would also be terrific... planned/regular income is quite relaxing since it allows for a more flexible budget. But then again.. to keep working at that place.. I don't know. It doesn't feel that attractive. I want something better, more fulfilling, and more rewarding, both in terms of remuneration and psychological well-being.

“If you're looking for a disappointment,
you will find one around every corner”
- Garbage, tell me where it hurts

Grand theft normal boring life

I don't like my workshop, my work room, or what the hell I ought to call it. That's a problem. It feels like a prison cell. Small, cramped and gray. I can't concentrate in there. I've been sitting in the living room most of the week, I've actually got some writing done, mostly blogposts, not that any of them will be getting published (yet) since most of them need polish and more critically, endings. The conclusion that I've come to is that it is always better to write even just one word that to leave the paper empty. Old news really, but this time around the meaning sunk in.

It has been a slow, but comfy week. My CoLW (Co-Law Wife, which is the proper English word for “sambo”, our British neighbor Ian told me once) has been away on a charity trip since Tuesday and while I do miss her, it has been nice to get some time on my own. So this coming school year should work out perfectly then?... Maybe.. I have some doubts about it, but let's just wait and see how it goes, shall we?

Speaking of school, I really ought to take care of business with trying to sign up for my bachelor thesis or at least try to sign on some courses for this semester, but I find my will to act lacking. I just can't be arsed to care, and re-entering the academic world isn't that appealing. Too much facade, a lot of air inside. A lot of stale air.. A lot of stale air full of mildewy values. Oh bugger me, I'll get to it eventually – got to study to keep the flat I live in. I'm still having trouble deciding if I should go for the bachelor thesis or try to sign in on Basic English. Both choices are “good”. The bachelor thesis would give me more time to write/read/paint and whatnot, and would probably work seamlessly with the evening-shift job I'm rather certain that I'll get hired for. On the other hand, the English course would be FUN to read, something I'm fairly sure that the Bachelor thesis wouldn't be... D'oh well, Pay your fucking dues. At the time of re-writing (saturday) I'm waiting for a response about the Bachelor thesis. Wait N see.

Work has been kind of slow too. I have been working 06-11 every day. Sweden is still just waking up from its summer-hibernation, so the volumes have not increased that much.. yet. Next week will be a bitch if one believes the forecast. No one does. Oh well, it's a blue-collar-life. The other kids(please note that I refer to the people at work as “the kids” since many of them make me feel like I'm talking to children or at least very young persons.) at work are still kind of apprehensive towards me, which I do understand since I guess that none of them are used to having someone like me around – for good or ill. Other that it might compromise my chance of getting that job I applied for, I don't really care. Streamers find me strange – how surprising.

On the more fun part of life. There's been a considerable upswing in the airsoft-part of my hobbies. I like it. It's fun, it reminds me of when me and my.... friends played war when we were kids, only now we shoot real projectiles at each other. There's a post about airsoft and airsoft play coming up, so I'll just note that I'm putting more of my time into this hobby now.
I spent most of this saturday painting a trollkin champion kithkar. The result feels damn disappointing considering how long I spent painting the thing... But it's mostly metal colors and I've never been good at using those. They're boring and usually look like shit. Thus far it looks decent enough for a gaming piece, but I'm not satisfied with it. Bah. The rest of the unit will probably be a bit more fun since they're not covered in armor in the same way the kithkar is.

The upcoming week promises: a fuckload of work; wrestling academic people for a late admission; separation from my lovely love as she'll start attending her school next sunday; a CQB airsoft game at Tjärnan next saturday.. So... One good thing coming up then.




Swell.