En lugn kväll

Vissa kvällar bara har "det". Det där lilla extra som verkligen får en att känna att livet är värt och leva. Jag hade suttit och brottats med min C-uppsats hela dagen. Lagom slut i huvudet och lagom seg efter middagen bestämde jag mig för att ta en promenad.

Det utspridda duggregnet var välkomnande och vinden blåste ljum. Jag gick min vanliga vända runt Flogsta. De fuktiga gatorna blänkte i det gulaktiga skenet från gatlamporna, vattenpussarna skimrade som guld. Lite folk rörde sig på gångvägarna, mest motionärer. Några bilar drog förbi.

Uppsatsen harvade i bakskallen de första fyra-fem hundra metrarna, men efter det att jag tagit ett beslut som förmodligen kommer ge min examinator och handledare varsin stroke, började jag äntligen släppa skiten och tänkte på andra, betydligt gemytligare ting. Det var en av de där ovanliga gångerna när min Mp3 spelare såg till att alltid välja en låt som kopplade an till det jag precis tänkte på, mycket underligt och även uppskattat. Helt avslappnad, överlag närvarande och tillfreds, med i huvudsak positiva framtidstankar i huvudet. Var ute i lite drygt en timme. Perfekt.

Tenta på Torsdag, Munta på fredag, Midterminsseminarium nästa onsdag - och jag har bestämt mig för att byta både metod och materialomfång(Stroke). Det ligger på. Men ikväll mår jag bra. Det känns lugnt, stabilt, och allt kommer att lösa sig. Och om det inte gör det, forsätter livet ändå.

Men det är klart det kommer att gå bra.

Samhällskritik?

First of all, I just have to give a nod of respect to Thomas Bodström for putting his family before his career. To have a top politician make such a choice sets a valuable precedent in these bitter times. Hat's off, Tommy!

And then we have those chilenian miners who've finally gotten back to the surface. Good going guys, going back down soon? One does wonder if they're not at least thinking about a career change. To be trapped (involuntarily) underground for two months must have put those ideas in their heads.

I must admit that I'm somewhat amused about that one guy who was greeted by both his wife and his mistress when he got brought back up. Imagine his exasperation at that sight of those two next to each other. As it turned out, neither was that upset about it. Well, that figures I guess. If you've been married for 26 years, then you probably know your spouse inside and out, whether s/he realize or not. Rumors state that he has other women as well, tucked away somewhere. His mistress refers to him as a "Superman". Goodness me, at times I think it is hard work to keep one woman's ego sated, and he juggles (at least) three. That's actually quite impressive; providing he isn't (wasn't) being a douche by going behind their backs. If you're going to live in such a way, then at least be honest about it; give the others the chance to make their choice.

This is something I have been pondering over the last few years, this "forced" monogamy that is firmly established in our society. The lack of tolerance within this framework is astounding. Sure, there's been an expansion of what's accepted, mainly concerning sexuality. But the ruling norm is still that of one man-on-one woman; and damn you if you as much as think about something else. Speaking as one who used to propagate this rule in my angrier youth, I now say that it doesn't make much sense. The human creature seems to be one of infinite variation, and in this regard, the ruling norm is insane, since it puts another restraint on the innate potential for a truly diverse society. It is no surprise that the framework is holding up as stiffly as it is, since most of us are brainwashed from birth to think in a certain way. Sure, we all possess the capability of independent thought, but not everyone also possesses the fortitude to speak his/her mind. Perhaps if more of us did, then a greater acceptance could be achieved.

Some parts of the population realize that everything is, in the end, subjective. This means that everyone ought to draw their own lines. Some people are polygamists by nature, just as a few are monogamists, and neither group is better or worse that the other ‒ and therefore it's up to each of us to decide for ourselves what we are and what we consider ok. Communication is paramount in any relationship, but I'd say that it is doubly so in the precarious beginnings of amorous relationships. Nobody wants to get their heart broken and few people delight in hurting others.

So for fucks sake people: Talk to each other; make sure that you're compatible.

Ytterligare ett inlägg

"Målet är inte avsaknad av ångest, utan att faktiskt må bra."

Det medför att man förmodligen behöver definiera vad det faktiskt innebär att må bra, vilket är svårt då det är så förbaskat subjektivt. Men ja, jag skulle vilja att mitt liv kändes roligt att leva, att varje dag var något jag såg fram mot, något som ständigt alstrar ny energi och expansion - kanske till och med att det fanns någon mening med att gå upp varje dag.

I och med att jag inte direkt är den mest kontaktsökande personen har jag rätt kass koll på huruvida folk faktiskt lever de liv de vill leva, än mindre om dessa liv de lever faktiskt ger dem någon känsla av glädje eller lycka när de lägger sig för att sova om kvällarna. Man kan hoppas.

Igår kväll tänkte jag för mig själv att jag skulle ta mig själv tjugo minuter och verkligen sätta mig ned och tänka igenom hur jag skulle vilja att mitt liv såg ut om det var "fulländat" och perfekt. Jag hann inte mer än sätta mig i skräddarställning i sängen och påbörja min meditation innan katten kom in i sovrummet och klättrade upp i sängen och jamade klagande tills jag gav med mig och gick och gav fanskapet mat. Vid det laget var jag alldeles för normalt förbannad för att ens tänka tanken på att ett bra energigivande liv skulle kunna existera varvid det föll åt sidan och idén begravdes under GTNBL.

När, vad, hur - Jé ne sais pas, men jag skulle uppskatta om liv kunde komma i rörelse igen.

The first snowflake of the coming avalanche

Hope is a nice feeling.

Predators

So I just came back from seeing "Predators" at the movies.

Adequately satisfying, I'd say.

It sits firmly in the "decent" part of the scale, the sort of film one pop into the player when you want to be entertained but don't want to think too much about it.

I'm glad that they've finally been able to hammer a good(ish) film out of the otherwise floundering Predators franchise. I got sequel vibes from the ending, so maybe the next movie will actually be good instead of just good-ish?

Hm. One can hope.

[This post may get updated]

Something wise?

This have been a weird week.

The days have gone by, and I barely know what I've done to make them pass. I've worked out, I've gone out running. But other than that. I barely know. Done some therapy-writing, played a lot of KOTOR, watched videos online, felt bad about being alone, felt weird about feeling bad about being alone - Funny that.

I've been sort of overwhelmed by how much time each day contains when one does not have to share that time with someone else. Hours and hours drift by because you can't think of something to do with all that time.

Trust me, the irony, of my earlier statements concerning me not having time for anything, is not lost to me. But when I have had all this time, I've just been sort of... Echoing, repeating old patterns that doesn't fit into the new time-space.

My brain haven't been working properly. A strange sensation, to say the least. Monday - Wednesday were hard since I couldn't think straight. Today this eased up somewhat, and I finally started to break out of the old patterns. It was like I woke up from a dream, or a deep sleepwalk. I came to think about, and remember the mental training - both old and new, that I've accumulated over the years, and started to implement it.

It's so easy to forget.


Oh well, change is good. Makes you face your issues and grow stronger.

Cat?

“This is so degrading, no, humiliating, I can't believe that you are making me do this!”

“Hoh? And how do you think I feel? You think I like putting this on you? To have to strap you into that thing and put a leash on you?”

“Tsk, this is so weird. “

“You're telling me – you're not the one talking to your damned cat.”

Maybe this exact scene won't be replicated, but I can almost promise that something like it will. We got a pet cat today. Ah small lovely thing of indiscernible lineage, Hera, named after the roman goddess of home and hearth has now moved in with us. Fitting for an indoors cat, don't you agree? It'll be nice to have a cat around. They're tidy creatures, keep to themselves most of the time and certainly aren't dependent on humans the same way dogs are. But I still prefer dogs. :P

Got word from the studies counselor at the department of Nordic languages, and I'm green to go on my bachelor thesis, and I've decided to write the it, just to get it done.

Bad news on the work application-front. For the longest time I was the only applicant, but as of Friday another five have also applied for the position, and most of them are significantly more qualified than me.
So things are looking a bit dark at the moment. But I'm actually kind of ok with that. I've come to realize that I don't really enjoy working at that place and as such I would probably to a lot better if I tried to get another job – even if it mean joining one of those fucking HR-companies. Academic work i supposed to be one of the good ones I hear.... hurgh, I feel nauseous.
Either way I have faith that things will work out for the best. If I don't get that job, I go free from the a company I think sort of badly of and a workplace that's ok on good days and horribly incompatible with me on bad days. Plus I would get more time to do what I want, keep my social life and hopefully boost my writing career.... But that's hypothetical.
If I DO get it.. then I have a secure income for the upcoming seven months, which would also be terrific... planned/regular income is quite relaxing since it allows for a more flexible budget. But then again.. to keep working at that place.. I don't know. It doesn't feel that attractive. I want something better, more fulfilling, and more rewarding, both in terms of remuneration and psychological well-being.

“If you're looking for a disappointment,
you will find one around every corner”
- Garbage, tell me where it hurts