Thankfully, I am once more lucid enough to realize that I've been acting like an asshole - and for this I apologize. But hey, at least I'm human sometimes.
The worst part about going into an episode is that you do not usually realize until you are standing on the bottom of the pit, hating everything and everyone, raging at phantom reflections of the world around you (and to those around you you are just acting weird and a lot meaner than usual) and it is so difficult to find a grip that lets you start to climb up again.
Luckily, I caught a break recently, and since then I have managed to put myself back together. It is painfully clear to me that the fundamental patterns of my life are not working properly, since I keep falling down again and again.
I'm not sure how to do it or what it will accomplish, but shit has to change - because this is obviously not working out. I suppose I will always feel like an aberration, but at least I should get rid of the accumulated garbage, be it mental, social och physical, that is cluttering my life and choking the vitality out of me.
The people around me deserve a better version of me.
I deserve a better version of me.
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I have to say, just feeling that things aren't working and that there needs to be a change, is usually a quite a step to reach and then also to overcome, and I am glad that you feel up to dealing with stuff, because it's a difficult situation that craves quite some guts and patience.
SvaraRaderaI am happy though that you have reached a conclusion about what you want to head towards on your on behalf. I don't know if I'd say you deserve a "better version of yourself" but I firmly believe you deserve to be a more content version of you, who is more at peace.
I think you deserve better for yourself, if that makes any sense =)